You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
