i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
