Plan B is the new Plan A
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Randomize
