Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
