Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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