1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm determined to sit on that face.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
