I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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