I wannas sexs uuuuu
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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