you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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