i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
