I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
porn star boner night. come get it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
