I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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