mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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