idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize