Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
