Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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