Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
