this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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