if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
