last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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