my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
