I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
you're hired as official boob wrangler
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
