rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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