Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
