The maid of honor just puked.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
