mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
