he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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