Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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