The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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