I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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