I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
