Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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