The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
