I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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