From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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