Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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