Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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