There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
