Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
