i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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