we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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