I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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