Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
