dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
