Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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