I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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