On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
