I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
