hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
My feet surprised me
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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