I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
