Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
