i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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