my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
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