It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize