I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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