I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
