So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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