He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
